Friday, May 1, 2009

DREAM ON

Blog post disclaimer: I never want to come across as too whiney or complain-ey; after all, we signed up for this whole adoption thing…

But, alas, it helps me to process and maybe vent a little on the blog.

Bottom line. I want her home so bad it hurts. The controlling part of me just can’t stop perseverating on the powerless part of it all. We are powerless to do anything or affect any timelines at this point. We can’t make anyone hurry this up – it feels so ridiculous. I know the human condition is such that people make mistakes, don’t move on the same seemingly urgent timelines, they don’t have the same strong feelings about different things. Good thing, and bad thing, I guess.

The pain is real, though.
It’s so real that I just stop and cry every so often.
It’s so real that a few choice foul and angry words occasionally come out of my mouth.
It’s so real that I look for someone to blame.
It’s so real that, once in a while, I can’t fathom the reality of Koko coming home.

But then, I know it will happen – it’s just another frailty of the human condition to wallow in the negatives of ‘what ifs’ and ‘woe is me’.

(voice from somewhere) “Snap. Snap.” “Snap out of it, Susan!” “Or are you Debbie Downer?!?”

This morning as I drove to work I allowed myself to do a little imagining, as I tend to do from time to time. I imagined that we finally got a phone call from Jessica telling us we are finally parents. I try to imagine where we will be when that call comes, or better, when it will come. And then I imagine that we joyfully scramble to pack, get plane tickets, a place to stay – nothing will be more important than getting there.

And then…
And then…we get there, and we get to hold our daughter for the first time, the girl we’ve been watching grow since 2 months old. We hold her and it is a moment like no other…

Mmmmmmmmm…..
Ahhhhhhhh…..
So nice….

(the voice again) “Snap. Snap.” “Snap out of it, Susan!” “You, dreamer, you.”

Stay tuned…because I know when it happens, it will be so much better than my silly little daydream, the real thing will send even more goose bumps and joyful tears. I know life will never be the same.

My little dreamy doggie just stood up on his back legs with his paws on the couch (this is how he asks to be picked up) and so I picked him up and set him next to me, he curled up in a little ball next to me (pretty darn comforting), as if he knows…maybe he knows his little cute-ness is a little tiny help, when I’m a little tiny sad.

Here's to all the silly dreamers out there.
Smj out.

9 comments:

{B} said...

One of your Dad's favorite quotes, I think he created about you, Susan...."the world NEEDS dreamers!" Just know that we ache with you, cry a little with you...and look at her beautiful face smiling back at us each and every day in the photos you send us. Oh, the joy we will find when we can see her in your arms...and the smile on all three of your faces. Cuss loud, cry hard...and don't EVER give up on that sweet little girl. We love you all! Dad and Billie

Tanya and Tony said...

I've been following your blog for a while. (We are on Gladney's waitlist). Just wanted you to know i feel your pain (if only in some small way compared to what you must be going through) and am praying for you & your husband.

Ellen said...

Susan,

Please don't forget you have many people know and unknown praying for you and your baby girl. I never know what to say but want you to know people are still praying.

ellen

Anonymous said...

Hi Susan, I think and pray for you often and when I read your blog it expresses what I'm feeling also. When you posted that you requested Jessica to call only when there is forward progress on the adopton, I was thinking the same thing and made the same request (maybe even on the same day!). We are on the same path..I got to look into our daughters eyes when she was 4 months old and our son was 4 1/2 years old. Time marches on and now she will be 15 months this month and he is almost 5 1/2. I have the same day dreams and some times nightmares of never having my day dreams come true. I lived in a third world county and know the extreme difference of the pace our society runs at compared to theirs. Actually that was one of the number one aspects that I was drawn to and enjoyed...less stress,so calming but now this is what keeps me up at night wondering when, when, when will we get the papers we need to bring our children home. I'm breaking down also because it is so hard. I'm hanging on to God's promises even if I don't understand His timing. Our tears of sorrow and pain will be washed away by the waves of His mercy and we will rejoice someday soon! Hugs to you Leslie McDermott

coffeemom said...

It's real. She's real. This real. That's why it hurts so. BUT. It's gonna happen. It is. And she's gonna be all too real and sweet and funny and crying and peeing and the whole deal. It's real. Hang on to that. I'm praying for you, every day. M

KSandman said...

I know that God has put this dream in your heart. Keep dreaming!! How joyful the unity will be! You will never dream of the amazing things God has in store. With all the building anticipation, hope, longing, great things will come of this very difficult time. Dream big!

LoveNotes4CocoPrincess said...

Susan and Chad, each day that I sit and have time with the LORD, I always bring your two into my conversation with HIM. I know our Heavenly Father hears all the prayers of HIS children that are crying out to HIM on your behalf.

Sometimes fear comes over me and then I just think about how Jesus sits at the right hand of Father, making intercession for the three of you.

She is yours---yours alone and you will hold her, rock her, sing to her, whispers the things of GOD to her, in due season if you just don't give up!

She has been entrusted to you and your prayers are raising her up even in the distance! You will reap in due season and it will be greater then the rest of us who did not have to wait as long---GOD Himself, gives you HIS word, HIS promises, HIS peace because you have not drawn back.

We Love The Way You STAND!

Chris and Jess said...

I think of your family every day. My prayers are with you. I know this is torture- and you have been so strong. It will happen Susan, it will!!!

Anonymous said...

I think of all that others of us whine and yell out loud about. Don't apologize. It hurts but I have learned that things that hurt matter and are worth getting to the other side. In the meantime - hugs. Tracey

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